About decision making

There are a lot of reasons why I'm in Taiwan: I want to learn to speak and write a beautiful language, I want to get in touch with and adapt to another culture, and I want to have some really amazing and diverse memories to look back on.

But there is another deeper, more meaningful reason at the heart of all these other reasons. It has to do with the idea of a "universal human experience". What do we all have in common?

But still beyond/earlier than that - is the greatest question of all (for me) - the question that's been burning on me since about the year 2004 or so: Here we all are in this world/environment/reality that we didn't decide to enter. SO, what the hell do we do with ourselves? I mean, what the fuck do we do?!!?

Having to figure out that question is what I believe to be a big part of the "universal human experience", among more obvious things like birth, death, sex, love, and protecting ourselves from danger.

If I knew the answer to that great question, I would know what to do with every second of every one of my waking hours.

Obviously, nobody really knows the answer. But every day we are forced to answer it without knowing, the same way a wind up toy always walks forward even if it might be going straight off the edge of the table. It's like we're all in a classroom and we're taking a test. Everyone is given the test and nobody really knows the answers.

Some people leave the test blank because they can't be 100% sure about anything. Those are the really logical people who really only put themselves out there ("generate output") when they know they are correct and their answer will yield practical, usable results; to do otherwise would be immoral to them.

Some people give an educated guess that's pretty good. (the enlightened mystics?) Other people may copy that answer, but in different ways. (the followers?)

Some people might copy the idea, and write that as their answer too, but in different words. (the enlightened?)

Other people might copy the answer, and try to write each word exactly the same. (the religious?)

Some other people might look over and copy the copied words from the copier. Then they'll tell everyone around them to copy their nonsensical secondhand words too. (religious nuts)

So that was fun to write, because I don't like religion all that much, but there's a bigger point I'm trying to make too.

Making an effort to find out what we all share as people (the "universal human experience") is a step in the direction of knowing what to do with myself. It's answering my own test with my own possibly right possibly wrong possibly neither answers. That's part of the reason I wanted to move to the other side of the world - to see: "Do my answers still hold up?"

And attempting to find out how to answer the question "what do I do right now?" is my responsibility as a human being who is capable of asking that question. Attempting to do this is a lifelong process and it is an individual process. That's why I steer clear of commitment to religion. I'm not going to outsource this personal, fundamental process of my life to anyone else. Even if it's cheaper.

But I don't steer clear of religion itself. For me, religions have provided philosophy that's really pretty useful. Unfortunately, every religion seems to be a combination of useful, enlightened philosophy and also a bunch of noise. A lot like a hypothetical situation about the very first airplanes if you ask me. In my opinion, Catholicism, the religion that I (was forced to) know best is like the first airplane that could fly. Everyone saw that it could fly and that it worked and so from then on a large group of excited people mandated that THIS is the way you build an airplane. Anything else is not an airplane. In reality, lots of better airplanes have been invented, but those Catholics keep clinging to the first one, because they saw that it worked in a world of other non-functioning airplanes. But the first airplane has some problems with it - it's not very aerodynamic, fuel efficient, or safe. That's the noise I mentioned earlier. The Catholic mythology is the noise of the Catholic religion. Angels and devils and saints and miracles and flaming bushes and water to wine and sons of god coming to earth and rising from the dead and bread really being flesh and people still eating it. THAT is one inefficient airplane if you ask me.

Newer airplanes are like some other religions - updated and more efficient as new information has been discovered. They are more functional, safe, and aerodynamic. But still, the greatest possible airplane has yet to be built. And maybe there is more than one greatest possible airplane, depending on what is needed by the builder. And there's my whole point. I believe that I am the builder, the creator of my own world. I can't trust another builder to build what I think is the perfect airplane because although he may be a skilled builder, he just doesn't have the same needs as I do.

So what do I do? Right now? Get good at building airplanes myself. Become a skilled builder. Put myself in environments that will chew me up and spit me out as a better engineer. Learn about people by spending time with them. Learn about myself by learning about other people. And love myself and other people. And use religion to help me do that and prevent religion from stopping me.

Planning for the Unplanned

Riding around on a scooter in Taiwan in my neighborhood: it's an obstacle course. It's like driving on the Beltline Highway in Madison - every day on the Beltline there is some new amazing piece of trash that you have to swerve to avoid: a rust covered toilet, a metal pipe, a huge block of styrofoam. Only here in Taoyuan, Taiwan it's not trash, but rather stray dogs, old people on battery operated motorized carts, or a guy in khakis doing some kind of cha-cha dance while he walks down the street (but that's later at night).

I was recently assigned a really tough class to teach. It has 20 kids, all around the 7th grade age (remember that age where almost everyone torments each other?) There is a student in this "advanced" class that barely speaks English and really doesn't want to be there. There is another student who is very smart, but is in his own little world. He has Asperger Syndrome (autism) which makes him unable to socialize with other kids, so he gets picked on by the other students (which I will of course have to prevent). He is a good kid, though and seems to get along fine - unaffected by his antagonizers. The only way I can effectively bring this class in the right direction is to let time do it's thing. Over time I'll begin to learn their English levels, and who needs to work on what. And over time I will be able to get to know them so I can make the material more personal (student-centered) and interesting for them.

Getting Thrown Into Teaching

Before I left for Taiwan, someone I barely knew gave me a piece of advice. She said that after a while I will have one of those mid-life crisis moments where I question everything all at once and say, "What am I really doing here?"

It's too early for that right now, but knowing that before it happens might help me in some way. I think I have to really look at how I spend my time out here. A new place, a new life, all new habits. It's the habit forming part I need to be careful about. You know that rhythm of the day you find after you move into a new place or get a new job? Eventually you can do a lot without even thinking about it.

One example of this is that I need certain things when I teach. A watch (really important) so I can make sure I can cover all the class material, a water bottle (also important) because some days I'm talking for 6 hours. Mints, my lesson plan, all the textbooks I need, toys for review games to play with the kids, turn off the lights when I leave. So far I have forgotten everything on that list at least once. Now that I've been burned, I bring this stuff without thinking about it.

It's like you have to make a bunch of mistakes at first. That's how you REALLY learn.

My classes are going really well. It's fascinating to try to get inside the heads of kids of so many different ages. I'm teaching kindergarten through seniors in high school. I'm picking it up pretty quick. I'm also discovering that I'm able to use a certain skill (finally!) that I've been trying to pick up.

Most teachers have this skill. It's the skill of being able to stand in front of an audience and see it as an opportunity. Many people (especially me in the past) get in front of an audience and the situation is so disorienting for them, that they can't create a zone in their head for a good spontaneous idea flow. Idea flow is much like a trance I've discovered. And a trance is very similar to having a burning question on your mind. It's like you are looking around the room trying to answer that one question and that's all that happens in your consciousness. If you are self-conscious in front of people, your question is, "What might they be thinking of my presenting, or even me as a person?". You are always trying to answer that question after every sentence you speak.

I've learned over time to change that question to "What do I WANT to do with these people?" So I have to realize that we're all spending some time in this room together and if I don't ask that question, that time will be wasted for all of us. Look for opportunity and fun things to do to keep myself entertained. That is a safe-haven for my thoughts. People respond very positively when I do this. It's because I'm very comfortable when I don't worry about something I can't control.

Week 1: Natural Disasters Both Big and Small

I have decided to live in Taiwan. This is my blog about it.

It's been a first week that has been full of problems. Natural Disasters you could call them. The kind of stuff that I have absolutely no control over - stuff that first affects other people and in turn affects me. But I have a lot of control over myself, which makes wading in a week full of problems an enriching experience, although it is also trying.

There was a horrible typhoon that flew out of Taiwan just as I flew in. It's being covered on the news 24/7 here and there are hundreds of missing, probably dead, people. It flooded the south of Taiwan, but my girlfriend Ai-Ai and I live in the north so we are fortunate. The news is mostly in Chinese and I can't understand it; I have seen some news of this in English too, though. People have lost their entire families - had them washed away in mud. They're completely devastated and break down in the streets as they pray for their brothers and sisters while news crews tape and interview them. What I haven't seen on the news yet is the answer to the question: What do you do when your home and business get destroyed? Say you were the owner of a small business. You needed money to start the business, and in the first few years you probably lost a lot of money, but eventually as time went on you built a steady clientele and your business improved. You developed a reputation locally and if you made good decisions, you kept your business afloat and maybe even earned a little extra on the side. But now, that whole town is submerged in dirty, muggy, diseased water. In other words, do these people have some kind of a plan? I suppose it's something like Step 1: Survive. Step 2: Rebuild.

Taiwan is a great place. It seems like there is a strong sense of community here.

My girlfriend is having a really tough time this week. First was her period. I have dated 7 girls in my life, and none of them ever had periods as bad as my baby does. We actually just got back from the doctor's office today because just as she finished the most horrible part of it, she begins to have severe aches in her stomach and sides when she stands up. To top it off, she insists on going to teach 2 or 3 classes every day and returns home from work around 10PM. It seems more and more like companies are working their employees like racehorses these days. 90% of the time I've been with her since I got here, she's been in some kind of pain.

I was once in a Buddhist compassion research study. I had to meditate every day while imagining the pain of other people in order to effectively wish them to be free from their suffering. It made me realize that compassion is an action, not a reaction. As is love, I believe.

Television and video games have trained us to survive better in this age of electronic tools, but they've also encouraged our society to be in a reactive state - always waiting. It's because we're spending so much time immersed in the situation of "If I sit here and wait, something really cool and fun will happen!" That never happens in the outside world where there are problems. In the outside world, you have to actively approach problems, and actively search for beauty. If you do, you will be happy, and if you don't you will suffer.

Practicing Buddhist compassion and being aware of my tendency to go into a reactive "waiting" state in order to prevent and overcome it has helped me through this week. I was able to make some sense of the Typhoon disaster instead of just changing the channel and ignoring it, and I was able to be there for my girlfriend as a present, supportive light.

Being a jazz musician I see more and more that my happiness and sometimes the happiness of those around me is influenced by my approach to RIGHT NOW as a unique and truthful moment. If you are honest with yourself about whatever your situation is RIGHT NOW and you don't ignore anything about your situation RIGHT NOW because it might be painful, then you will have a pretty good chance of doing something positive with it, because you'll have a better idea of what you have to work with.

Finally, I've been killing all the time spent alone in my apartment while my girlfriend is at work by reading the book Lila. It's the sequel to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. There were several issues that have been really on my mind lately, and this book seems to be addressing them all in a really insightful and spooky way. Not only does it confirm what I've already been thinking, but it's also showing me new sides of it.